We all seem to know what we want. We know what we like, what we dislike, what annoys us, what inspires us, what we enjoy doing, and we definitely know what we do NOT enjoy doing. But amongst all this knowledge, why is it we still sometimes feel so lost?
There were many years of my life I would get up, go work out, go to work, come home, eat, and go to bed. It wasn't a bad life. I had good friends, I made good money, I liked my workouts... but something was still off. There wasn't any true direction in my life which made a lot of what I did feel empty.
The reason for this was because my daily routine did not fully exemplify the four pillars, or the core foundations, of my life: Faith, Family, Health, and Stewardship. Once I was able to shift my life so that these four pillars were the focal point, I found that I was happier, more fulfilled, and felt that I had direction and purpose.
We all have different needs and priorities in our life. Taking a deep dive into what makes up your core foundation can shed light on the path you want to take. Maybe you are perfectly happy with where you are right now, and that's awesome, but discovering why that is can help you make decisions in the future when they are presented.
For instance, I have a friend who doesn't necessarily love their job but they have zero interest in looking elsewhere and are happy to stay there till they retire. For some people this would be miserable and a life not worth living. One of my friend's core values is stability. So they have found that it doesn't necessarily matter WHAT they are doing, as long as they feel financially secure. This comfort that their career provides them aligns with their core foundation of Stability allowing them to feel fulfillment and that their life is heading in the direction that they want.
Once you know what is absolutely the most important to you, you will find that making decisions becomes easier. All the fluff falls away and you are able to become streamlined with what really matters on an individual basis.
So how do you know? Figuring out what your core foundations are can be tricky and it might take some time. There are lots of things that I feel strongly about, but how do I know if it's one of the big four?
First let's talk about why there are four. Well, plain and simple, three is too few. Normally when you list your first three you still feel like there is this gap. There is still some ground to be covered that your first three do not, and normally the fourth is what fills that hole. And again, plain and simple, five is too many. When we have too many things that we are trying to juggle, something always gets pushed to the back burner, leaving us feeling like we are never doing enough. Which is a pretty crappy feeling. Normally what people find when they have five core values is that two of them are very similar or related in some way. Finding a way to combine them is what usually works best.
How to identify what your core values are...
EXERCISE TIME!
No, no... not like sweatband and tennis shoes - mental exercise. Grab a piece of paper and something to write with. Set a timer or look at a clock and give yourself five minutes. At the beginning of the five minutes begin to write what makes you happy, what makes you feel peace, what brings you joy, what you were doing when you felt the most fulfilled, what makes you smile and laugh, what inspires and motivates you, favorite memories, what guides you to live the way you do, etc. At the end of the five minutes you are probably going to have a really random list of adjectives, activities, places, and maybe even some names. Look over the list, and instinctively start to separate them into groups. Things will seem related or correlated in some way. It might not hit you right away how things are related, so look through the list once or twice and then walk away from it. Maybe the next day take a look again and continue to categorize as it feels natural to you. Sometimes a single word you wrote will be in it's own group and that's ok too.
Over the next week continue to group until you think you've come to a good ending spot. As you look at these groups, ask yourself what they have in common and try to come up with one (maybe two) word(s) that sum up the theme of the group. Again, sometimes this takes a minute, or several days, so don't rush it.
After you have come up with your words that categorize your groups, see how many groups you have. If you only have four, then great- those are most likely your pillars! If you have more than four, take a look at the groups and see if there is significant overlap between some of them and if they can be combined. If not, put them through the test of time. Remember that these are your CORE FOUNDATIONS. Meaning that while other things might shift in your life, these things will not. These are the things that will matter to you most now and forever, whether you are 25 or 75. This normally helps weed out the category that doesn't quite belong, or you'll find that it fits within one of the others.
If you only have three categories, that's ok too. Intuitively you might be able to look at the list and know what's missing so you can just fill it in. Otherwise, just keep it three for now and then revisit in a few months, or maybe even a year, and see if you recognize a gap. It's quite possible that you only need three - the idea of four is just a guideline that works well for most but these are YOUR foundations and you shouldn't just throw something in just to appease a number factor.
Lastly, the words you chose for the groups might need to be altered to transcend time. A weird comparison but it would be like writing penne, and then choosing to broaden the category to pasta (unless it really is all about the penne). Or maybe you wrote baby, but the baby won't always be a baby so maybe kids or family would be a better word.
If this process doesn't make sense to you, or if you tried it and just keep coming up with things that don't seem quite right, that's ok. The point of the exercise is to be introspective, and getting to write down things that you want to write, and not necessarily things that you "should" write. For example, I asked a friend for her pillars, and she spouted off three immediately and then the last she sort of paused, and then said, "Well, I guess family would be my last." I was like, "Are you sure that's really one of them?" And she said, "Well it SHOULD be, right?"
NO! I mean, if family is one of your pillars that's great, but in her case, it just wasn't. She isn't close to her family at all (deeply estranged), having kids or being married isn't important to her... so why would she have family as a pillar? Her making it one of her pillars is going to lead her back down a lonely, and unfulfilling path because she is morphing something that she doesn't really care about, into a driving force for her life. That would be like looking at a map of Texas as you were driving through New York... supremely unhelpful, utterly confusing, and guess what? You are never going to get to where you wanted.
Take the time to figure out what means most to you and in an upcoming blog post I will talk about how to take steps to enact these core foundations in your daily life. If you're already doing it, I love that. Take the time to help someone else on their journey, and instead of being a hindrance, be the match to light their lantern.