Oh my gosh you guys... I'm EMBARASSED about how long it's been since I last wrote here. I've missed it so much but you know, sometimes life is just really busy and SOMETHING has to give. Unfortunately, for awhile, it was this. But, it seems that my schedule as regulated once again and so I should be back with some kind of regularity.
Partially my absence is because I was lucky enough to be asked to help revive the blog section of my beloved CrossFit gym's (CrossFit Dana Point) website and I was thrilled to take on the task. Check it out here and be sure to bookmark it! It will have loads of great content on it that I can practically GUARANTEE you will love.
So the other day I was reflecting on some things and a painful memory I will never forget came to mind. It was about 10 years ago when I was still knee deep (more like neck deep) with my eating disorders. My eating disorder at the time was me "trying" to be bulimic but ended up binging and then not throwing up... so I was a good 25 pounds over weight (Side note: for anyone who doesn't know me, me using quotes around "trying" like that, isn't meant to lessen the severity of ANY eating disorder, all of which carry their own health problems. It is me, however, painting a picture of where I was at. I was miserable- overeating almost all the time, but only throwing up about 30% of the time, so I was therefore still putting on weight.). I was working full time at a corporation but still had 2-3 private clients that I trained on my own time. One evening I was with one of my clients in a social setting and I was standing near, but not with them, while they were chatting with someone else. The person they were talking to asked how we knew each other and they explained that I was their personal trainer and then we became friends.
Good grief... I can still almost feel the shame wash over me as I think about what happened next.
The person threw a glance at me, looked back at my friend, and with their eyes wide and voice aghast, "SHE'S a personal trainer?!?!"
So the existence of sink holes terrifies me that the world can just open up and swallow things... but I would have paid good money for one in that very moment. I. Wanted. To. Die. Of course I pretended to not hear anything, but eventually made my way towards the restroom where I cried hot, humiliated tears for myself.
Let me be clear. Yes, what that person said was judgmental and maybe some of my friends reading this are feeling defensive for me... but.... come on you guys... They weren't wrong.
At that time I did act as a personal trainer for some people, but my mindset was not. Confused? Sure, I get that. Let me elaborate.
At that time my mindset was not to be healthy, it was to be "thin", or just "to lose weight", and it didn't matter how. I would tell my clients that they needed to eat healthy and I would put them through some kick ass workouts... but how could I truly be a personal trainer when I wasn't putting my money where my mouth was? I was a walking, talking hypocrite at the time who couldn't lead a horse to water because none of my own actions backed up what I was saying. My life did not exude health, wellness, balance, and fitness as it should. I was depressed and desperate and willing to do anything I thought might get me to where I wanted to be.
So I guess that begs the question, what does a personal trainer look like? I think we all immediately think of someone with rock hard abs and muscles for days. But I would argue that while that CAN be true, it doesn't have to be. It has more to do with the mindset of the person, than it does their outward appearance.
Someone who truly has the mindset of health and fitness will live that way. They will do their best to get their workouts in. They will do their best to fuel their body properly. They will be passionate and excited to talk to others about what they know. They will motivate others to make changes to reach their goals and better their lives. Their mindset will dictate how they live their life, and therein portray to the world what they believe.
Does that translate that most personal trainers are going to look a certain way to some degree? Sure. I can agree with that. But that's because their beliefs are modeling their behavior which in turn shows aesthetic effects. It doesn't happen the other way around. A person doesn't get fit and then choose to be healthy. They chose to be healthy FIRST.
I don't think that person who judged me that day necessarily said that because I was overweight. It was probably more likely because they'd seen me massacring the dessert table all night, or perhaps how I was carrying myself, or how my attitude seemed dull and lifeless. At the time the only thing that made me a trainer, was the fact that I had a knowledge base of certain material... and that's it. It wasn't until I made REAL changes in my life that put me on the path to ACTUALLY inspire people and help them in their own health journeys. I'm not perfect, never going to be, but I can say that everyday I try my best to be an example to others that mirror my belief system.
So, let me ask you this... you aren't all personal trainers (obvi), but what is it that you believe but are having trouble putting into action? What is it that is holding you back from living the way that you want? We all have things that we are passionate about and hold closely to our hearts... what is yours and why aren't you letting it shine?
Remember this, there is no fear in love. True love is deep and fortifying and lasting. You do not need to fear embracing the thing that you love, because even if things don't work out the way you envisioned, your life will still be better for it.
Stop avoiding eye contact with me. If we were in person that's what you would be doing right now because I just threw down the gauntlet and you're trying to avoid me. Which just tells me that you know EXACTLY what is knocking on your door, and you know EXACTLY what you need to do. Embrace what you believe and live it.
You'll thank me one day.