Reaching Goals Part II: Mindset

So I watched Good Will Hunting last night for the first time (I know I know... save your judgment for later that I finally got around to watching a pretty iconic movie that was released 20 years ago). Other than being mesmerized by a baby Matt Damon, I was reminded by how important actual healing is and how much that can affect our response to daily situations. So yeah, this post is probably gonna get a little touchy-feely but just go with it.

I think we often try and separate three major components of ourselves: our body, our mind, and our heart. And in the realm of reaching fitness and health goals, we often just hit a checklist of what will make us "healthy", but ignoring key factors that lie outside of that. For instance, you're looking to gain muscle mass, so you have a specific training regiment that you do, you monitor your macros to make sure you are getting the correct nutrients, and you might even track your sleep. All those things are awesome and will definitely drive you toward your goal- so yes, continue to do those things, but there is a massive component that is missing.

Some people fail to recognize how important it also is to nurture the mind. In the book Mindset by Dr. Carol S. Dweck, she recognizes two mindsets, fixed vs. growth, and how they can be either the pitfall or the edge that determines how our life will manifest. A fixed mindset, (and I'm paraphrasing here- I highly recommend the book if you haven't read it!) is someone who would view failure as a stopping point and a reason to quit the endeavor, whereas someone with a growth mindset might be upset by the failure, but would use it as an opportunity to learn and grow and come back stronger.

Your mindset will ultimately determine if you reach your goals... not the physical nature of your body. It is your mind that decides what you are and are not capable of. So how do you prep your mind to tackle your biggest obstacles and what does that have to do with your heart/emotions?

One aspect is confidence which I will go over in more detail in Part III of this series. The other aspect I don't feel is as cut and dry. There are many reasons as to why we feel we can or cannot accomplish something - obviously very closely linked to confidence, but maybe perhaps more so the reason why or why not the confidence is or is not there.

In the movie last night, Will Hunting (oh, and if there is literally anyone else in the world who hasn't seen this yet- SPOILER ALERT) is stuck. Brilliantly gifted but emotionally blocked and hasn't dealt with things from his past, which keep him from moving forward. It isn't until the end when Robin Williams' character finally gets it through his head that, "It's not your fault", and Will can accept the wounds of his past and no longer let them define him.

I'm not gonna lie- I wanted to ugly cry at that part, but I kept it together (mostly).

My birth father was a piece of work. He left our family when I was pretty young, and all I ever wanted him to do was to choose me. I wanted to be a priority to him. I tried so hard to impress him and win his love, but it was all for naught. Nothing I ever did gained his love or attention, and it sent me into a downward spiral. I connected his lack of ability to be a good father to my self worth and for awhile it was pretty ugly. In high school I often had suicidal thoughts, and when I was 17 I developed a pretty serious eating disorder that I didn't officially get a handle on for another 12 years (and subsequently still struggle with from time to time). I also married my first husband, who turned out to be well... EXACTLY like my father (handsome, charismatic, selfish, and a really bad temper) and as you can probably guess... that didn't end well. I constantly sought after his approval and affection as a direct line to my self worth because I never healed that wound so so so deep in my soul. When our marriage was unraveling I saw a therapist (I will never be embarrassed of seeking counseling/therapy or whatever else you want to call it. I think that EVERYONE could benefit from knowing themselves a little bit better.) and it was with her that I began my own healing process and had my own "It's not your fault" moment. If someone hurt me, it's not because I wasn't good enough, but it's because of their own baggage that they are lugging around. Does it still hurt? Umm, yeah... a lot... but creating distance between what is and is not about you personally, can help the healing process. Up until this point, I had felt like a failure to those who meant the most to me, and it ate away at my existence.

I tell you what... feeling like a failure is a poison that will seep into every corner of your life, and it creates a shameful existence. For so long I operated on shame... hiding everything about myself that I was embarrassed of and pasting on a smile for the crowds. But you know that super cheesy saying, the truth will set you free? Guess what? It really does. Shame cannot live in the light, and I found that when I shared with people my struggles and what I felt like were my ugliest scars, I was only embraced and accepted deeper. By everyone, no, unfortunately not; but by those that mattered, absolutely (who needs fair-weather friends anyway, am I right?). Owning who you are and what you have been through is a powerful tool to grow and heal, and also help those around you who may be struggling with something similar.

The heart and the mind are connected. And if there are wounds in the heart, it will be nearly impossible for you to get your head where it needs to be. Healing sucks. I'm just gonna say that as like a disclaimer. Sometimes things get a little bit worse before they start to get better but the good news is that it DOES get better and you WILL be in a better place.

The most powerful steel is forged in fire several times. Being thrust into the fire is uncomfortable and it hurts, but if we are willing, we can use that experience to come out the other side stronger and more powerful. We cannot continue to carry pain around with us and make what happened so deeply a part of us that it erodes future opportunities away. By dealing with whatever pain might be in your past (or present) opens new doors, allows you to create the growth mindset you need, and develop the confidence that is required to reach your goals.

More on Confidence in Part III - coming soon.