Reaching Goals Part I: Satisfaction

One of the first things that I do with personal training clients is establish their goals. And over the years I do not think that there was even one person where one of their goals was not related to the physical appearance of their body: losing weight, increasing muscle mass, looking more toned, leaning out... And while some of these goals have a very different end game from each other, the starting point is all the same --- All of them are currently unhappy with how they look (Also, just a side note, there is NOTHING wrong with these goals so in no way am I condemning these).

Now sometimes, it is first expressed with, "I want to be healthier," or, "I want to get stronger". Most likely this is because saying, "I feel disgusting in all my clothes," or, "I don't feel like my significant other is attracted to me anymore," are harder things to say to someone that you just met, but eventually these thoughts that really occupy their minds rise to the surface.

And these thoughts... well... they suck. Like it doesn't suck that they have them (well, ok yes it does, but you'll get my point in a minute), but it sucks where they come from. Whether it is a lack of self esteem, a troubled childhood or family life, being in a bad relationship, a substance abuse problem, or maybe just a rough life in general, people develop perceptions about themselves and this is the spectrum in which their thoughts and opinions are developed. Having these thoughts of self-doubt occasionally is normal, but what I've found is that these aren't just occasional bad day (PMS anyone?) thoughts, but that these are the thoughts that people try to fuel themselves off of to reach their goals.

I have some tough news for those trying to do just that. You cannot hate yourself to accomplish your goals. Shame cannot be a determining factor to cross the proverbial finish line. It is just impossible (ok there might be SOMEONE at some point on this planet who has managed to do this, so I will say VERY HIGHLY IMPROBABLE).

The reason is this:

You must first be satisfied with what you have to proceed to get what you want.

Now if you didn't close the web browser out of frustration after reading that, thanks! I understand that reading a statement like that can feel disheartening but you must recognize first where you are, to understand the steps you have to take to get where you want to go.

Think about it, on a road trip, you always have a starting point, and an ending point, and then you establish the best route to get there. But if you identify the wrong starting point, then the directions that you try to follow to reach your end point will not make sense, and you will eventually fail (and probably never go on another road trip again).

Learning to truly love yourself and accept where you are at can be a huge challenge, and for some, a massive roadblock that may take a very long time to work through. But I will say that it will be the best work that you ever do. The problem with using disgust or hate to push yourself forward, is that when you begin to reach and accomplish goals that you have set, it will never be enough and you will never be satisfied or happy with what you have accomplished... and I don't know about you... but that sucks. I feel like examples are the easiest way to relate so here we go:

Let's say your goal is to lose 10 pounds. Every time you look in the mirror you sigh and vow to eat really healthy that day. Now, this story goes two different ways - ONE: you stick to your healthy eating plan and lose the weight, but much to your chagrin find that you are no happier with yourself and immediately set a new goal, telling yourself that the next benchmark will make you happy (Ummm nope, not gonna happen); or TWO: somewhere in your first week of eating clean you eat something that you have been trying to avoid, or maybe you miss a workout, and you begin the downward spiral of disappointment in yourself which ultimately makes you feel WORSE, and you either end of quitting, or setting even harsher guidelines for yourself, which you are also doomed to fail.

Wow... both of those scenarios blow, don't they? They are both constant cycles of goal setting and disappointment, which is enough to make anyone want to rip their hair out. Let's take a look at another example that is outside of the health and fitness realm.

Let's say you HATE your job and have been dying for a promotion. So everyday you trudge into work, working toward the goal of getting promoted. This scenario could play out a few different ways, but here are the top two: ONE- your hard work is recognized and you get promoted. However, because you have been so unhappy with the company and your job, you find it nearly impossible to enjoy this new position and not too long after begin looking for a different position in the company or a different job altogether, telling yourself that it's the work/company (and not you) and that it will be different elsewhere. Or TWO- because you hate your job it leaks into your attitude and your work, and you get passed over for the promotion, fueling your anger and hatred for your current job.

Again, it's the crazy cycle of goal setting and disappointment with really no end in sight. The key is to find contentment with where you are first to truly appreciate where you might end up going.

So far I have just touched on the mindset portion of why this doesn't work, which is honestly, the bigger portion, but there are also a multitude of physiological factors that come into play when you put yourself under this kind of stress. Stress causes a greater release of cortisol which has been shown to cause weight gain, particularly in the tummy area (There is a lot more science to this and it involves insulin and food cravings, but for now, let's just leave it at stress causes a greater amount of cortisol to be released into the bloodstream which is correlated to weight gain). Stress also messes with your sleep cycles which in turn messes with dopamine releases which then messes with your metabolism.

I could go on and on about how stress negatively affects the body, and how allowing this cycle of disappointment is detrimental to not only achieving your goals, but your longevity and quality of life in general, but as this post is already longer than I'd like it to be (I've officially climbed on top of my soap box btw if you didn't already know), I'd like to focus on HOW to develop a happiness and love for yourself.

I wish I could say that it was easy and that it's just a matter of accepting yourself for who you are and extending yourself the grace that you extend to others on a daily basis... which in an essence, is true, but actually bringing that into reality can be a bit tougher. Taking a long hard look at yourself to really understand WHY you feel the way you do can not only be confusing and difficult, but also painful. It might mean delving into the past to see what hurt remains there and to see what scars are perhaps not as healed as you had once hoped. Or it might mean looking at unhealthy relationships in your life and acknowledging that you might not be able to have that person in your life anymore. This is the hard stuff folks. Truly committing to KNOWING yourself inside and out and understanding your intentions and why you think and respond to situations the way that you do.

I wish I didn't, but I speak from my own hard road. I struggled with a deep-rooted self loathing for such a long time and it took me years before I learned how to love myself... and I still struggle with it if I'm being honest. We all have bad days and that's ok, as long as we recognize that life isn't about the fall, but it's how you get up.

Ok, now here's my disclaimer: this is not me saying to accept your life in the condition it is in and to just be happy. This is also not me saying to just be happy with what you have and to get over it. I love setting goals and I love reaching them. I love seeing people reach new heights and potentials and fulfilling their biggest dreams. What I am saying is that somehow, you need to learn how to find joy and love in your current state, otherwise you will constantly be reaching for the next best thing and none of it will bring you the satisfaction that you desire.

You deserve... and really REALLY read that... you DESERVE to live your BEST life possible. So think about what that means... where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? What is it that you want to accomplish? Recognize that you are worthy of that life and be proud of yourself TODAY for what you have already accomplished and who you are. Give yourself a big hug, release your inner bad-ass... and you got this.